I have almost the minimal experience with blogs one can have growing up in my generation. I have never spent much time reading them, nor had I ever really considered writing one until recently. My best friend recently suggested it, so I added it to my Christmas break "to-do's". Then today, really desiring to make a connection with the Lord, I felt my body denying my spirit's needs as I repeatedly dosed off mid-sentence while journalling. In hopes that the typing would distract my body from its sleep deprivation, I googled "blogs", retrieved my abandoned Google account, racked my brain for every combination of my typical passwords, and then finally logged on. It was actually shocking the minimal effort it took for me to create my very own domain-my own little home in cyberspace. I was not at all prepared to provide a title and all too tired to come up with anything clever, trendy, or hip. Therefore, I stuck with the ever popular puns. It is actually even more ironic inside my head (as most things usually are), because I have always been a little fearful of lifting my hands up in musical worship. There have been a handful of Spirit-filled moments where I couldn't help but reach out, and up seemed the most logical. However, typically I feel paralyzed by that prideful feeling that everyone else is staring at you and if you were to do something slightly out of the ordinary, it would make them uncomfortable. The deceit weasels in for even the simplest of things, doesn't it? Even more so, though, this last semester I have felt a distinct call to greater and more true Worship. John 4:23-24 actually became the heartbeat of the church (..."group"-I would just say "church" as in body of believers, but that may get confusing for all of us products of Western Christendom and it's lingo-as if anyone is really reading this, but just in case, my church consists of about 12 people and we meet in a home to give you a better visual), and we even titled it 4:24. Anyways, He's been trying to get through to me about what it really means to Worship in Spirit and in Truth. I'm definitely not quite there yet, but feel free to chime in if you have an idea (again, probably more of a hypothetical "you", it makes me feel better to assume I am writing to someone-otherwise I just feel a little crazy-and redundant since I obviously already know everything I'm telling the world wide web).
Back to my original point of writing this-I'm needing to connect. First and foremost I am needing to connect with the Lord. I don't actually know if there's something else (or someone else) I'm needing to connect with, but if it's you, consider this my first attempt at contact. There's a chance that the only connection this will bring about is with the internet-in which case I have already been successful. 4 whole bars-thanks WiFi. I feel a bit amidst turmoil right now. Distraction has seemed to be my biggest opposition to connection. I am currently in my last year of my undergrad and will soon embark on a scary unknown world beyond scheduled classes, assignments, and summer breaks. Unless of course, I go to grad school, regarding which, procrastination has prevented me from beginning the process of applying until now. However, I am certain that the Lord's Will will prevail despite myself. This brings me to another lesson I've recently felt being preached over me: the sovereignty of God and the humility in True Worship that won't allow us to rely on ourselves. I've noticed this is one of the hardest lessons of all. I'd much prefer that He simply tell me what to do and I'll follow with blind ambition and my will power and work ethic (aka: stubbornness) will see me through. And it's just about the time these thoughts develop into completion when I realize my pride and throw up a PTL for being able to serve a God who is far Greater, and certainly Wiser, than I.
Today, beyond the daily tasks and future plans, something else weighs on my spirit. Yesterday, unexpectedly and tragically, a sorority sister of mine passed away in a car accident. To say the least, my soul has been sobered and knocked back into the reality of our mortality. I couldn't begin to pretend I understand things like this, particularly on the off chance someone does read this-I would hate to lead anyone in ignorance. Yet one thing I strive to understand is that I don't understand. Considering my entire life I have attempted to always have the "answer", this is easier said than done. However, it is in Isaiah 55 that my soul rests today. I, as well as many sisters around me, (sisters in Christ, and coincidentally in my sorority too) have felt a renewed burden for our "sisters" who do not yet know their Savior. This morning, getting up, I felt the reminder to make the most of every opportunity today. More than anything, I felt hope from that. It reminded me quite simply that God will continue to work all things-even this-to the good of those who love Him. It seems nearly impossible and certainly incomprehensible for anyone less than omniscient, yet at the depth of my heart I feel like it's truth. And that is my prayer for all those who mourn the inexplicable.
I think that's all for now. Sorry it isn't very profound, but that's all I've got.
Much love,
Your Sister
